Blood and Wine

You are wrong.

Don't lie; we all love to say it. It gives such pleasure when the words come out of our mouths, a spear straight at the speaker. For that one brief moment, you feel like you're holding a lottery ticket with all the winning numbers. You're right and you know it; time to show him who's boss, eh?

The problem is that we usually don't manage to show anyone who's boss. We just succeed in making the speaker look like a fool for being wrong. And nobody, nobody ever wants to be humiliated like that.

What happens when we're humiliated? We swear and curse the name of the culprit, unleashing the profane words that only the deepest wells of hate can yield. We plot revenge, promise never to aid the goddamned bastard ever again. Who the hell does this idiot think he is anyway? Walking head high in the air and putting other people down. We'll show him!

In the end, we only make the disagreement worse. We antagonize the speaker, which is probably not such a smart thing to do when we actually need their favor. And we make enemies, which is the most stupid thing we can do.

But sometimes disagreeing is not stupid, but necessary. Are we just going to let other people spread falsehoods about us in our faces? Of course not. Are we to just let clearly wrong facts and numbers be used for business purposes? Of course not.

Disagree to these wrong facts. Only be more diplomatic. You don't have to unleash your righteous fury or angry indignation on the man. Just reveal it slowly so the insult to his pride is lessened. You don't really want to hurt him, do you? After all, it might not be his fault that his facts are off.

But while facts can be obviously refuted with cold, hard evidence, ideas and beliefs that lie in the subjective realm of value judgments are not so easy. There is usually no clear right and wrong; the possibilities fall in ranges on spectrums of yes and no. If there's one thing I learned from my debating days, it's that there's no such thing as a straight answer when it comes to people's convictions. No right or wrong. It all depends on how you argue it.

How you argue is important. You don't want to humiliate the other person so obviously, going straight for the jugular in your bloodlust. But that's what usually happens when people argue ideas; it's like a ping pong match where both sides take turns to say "That's where you're wrong" and pass the ball back to the other court. In the end both sides leave the table convinced more than ever that they are right. And that the other person is an ass who doesn't know what he's talking about.

This in spite of the fact that the arguments presented were really quite logical. Both arguments. Very valid and well-presented. Yet no one is willing to yield and listen to the other's logic.

Why does logic fail? After all, aren't we all rational human beings?

Or are we? Sometimes I think we're more human animals than human beings. People are emotional; they are passionate and have an impossible assortment of emotions to place on ideas. People are not robots which will always compute the same, most logical answer every time. But paramount to that is people have lives.

Very few of us realize how crucial a person's life is in determining his convictions. Your behavior, your thinking, your personality and preferences -- everything -- are the sum of your life. Every single experience and idea you have ever held for the most brief of moments in your grey matter leaves an impression on you however small. These impressions total up to form the unique person that is you.

Because we are unique we fail to achieve equal value judgment. A value judgment is exactly that: a judgment of value. How we place values on ideas is different because we are different.

Illustration:
1. You have a friend. Drank his career and family away with all that Jack Daniel's No. 1 Tennessee Whiskey. His depression as everything that he ever loved began to flee from the sight of his haggard, usually drunk face led him to the saving grace of God. With his new-found faith, he pulled out of his drinking problem and returned to his family to live happily ever after. The end.

2. I have a friend. Spent all his time and more unfortunately his money on the Church he loved so much, leaving his family neglected and without a real husband and father. The children hate him and are complete demons in school. The mother is a borderline suicide case. Recently she just tried to go to sleep for a very long time with a lot of pills. Almost succeeded. My friend was deeply disturbed by this turn of events and began to throw more of himself to the Church. The end.

In case, you're wondering, these are the stories of real people I know. One is a happy story about faith. The other is not. But they are both true.

Because they are both true, you and I have very different perceptions and value judgments on faith. If we got into an intellectual discussion (which usually ends up becoming a name-calling session when both sides start that damned ping pong match), we'll both leave the table believing ourselves right and the other wrong.

Who is right? We both are, of course. To you, I am wrong because your experience tells you I am just wrong. Yet at the same time I think you're wrong for exactly the same reason.

So is there any way for me to convince you of the truth, according to me?

The truth, according to me. It is what is true because from all my experience and knowledge, it must be true. We can never really convince other people to change their value judgments when their very selves and "gut feelings" scream out against us. It is very difficult to change people, especially when we're talking about in just one "discussion."

But we can change their views on the issue. If value judgments are based on experience, then change that experience base. Inform them, not force on them, about your experiences and why they have molded your convictions that way. If you can successfully make my experiences tell me that faith isn't all that bad, then I will be less hostile towards accepting your ideas.

Back to the illustration.

Let's use the faith situation again. If you want to change my mind, don't argue with me. Telling me I am wrong for thinking faith is slapping me on the face. Now that's fine if you didn't really care if I changed my mind or thought you were a self-righteous ass. But if you honestly want to convert me to your way of thinking, don't. Just don't. It doesn't work.

What works is telling me why you feel this way. Tell me about Frank and how his family is together again and stronger than ever after his faith ended his love affair with the bottle. Tell me how your faith helped you hold on when your father passed away and you thought you couldn't go on. Tell me how God's teachings turned you away from the life of crime all the rest of your friends were falling into.

But don't tell me I am wrong. Because to me, I am not and never will be. I know so.

But what I know is based on exactly that: what I know. So make me know what you know. Tell me those things. Then when I know the good that faith can bring, I may take a more neutral stand. There is a middle ground that we can easily find.

What is this middle ground? It is not conversion to your set of values. It is acceptance and understanding of your views.

That is why I only look for acceptance and understanding every time I argue ideas and philosophy. I don't believe for a single moment I can convert anyone. I won't even try. I hope only to help make people see why I am so passionate about my beliefs.

I believe in many things. I am agnostic. I believe in individuality. I believe in the right to rebel against tyranny. But in arguing every single one of my passions I make sure I never ever close my mind to the other side. In fact I am almost always leaning on the neutral side of my beliefs rather than the extreme. Having met so many unique people with their personal views and having listened to their stories, my desire to be open-minded and try to understand other people rather than rejecting them outright has left me with few principles set in stone.

I have often been accused of being an unprincipled fool because of this. I agree. I am unprincipled. I will even agree that I may be a fool. Because my ignorance and lack of understanding may cloud my eyes from ever seeing my foolishness.

I may be a fool. But if I am a fool, then so be it as long as I am mature in my thoughts. Socrates' argument that wisdom comes from acknowledging the extent of our ignorance is something I really believe in. I look down on the immaturity of people who think they know everything and can know everything. I find it difficult to respect people who try to force their beliefs on others, because they think they know what is right and what is wrong.

Don't get me wrong. I can understand that you feel you are right and I accept that it is who you are that tells you there's nothing wrong with spreading the truth, according to you. I try not to dislike anyone for being who they are. It's nothing personal.

Just business.
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